Fellow Commuters Annoy Me

I’ve been commuting to my work in downtown Chicago from the south suburbs for six and a half years. To get to the Loop I take Metra, a commuter train system. After riding the same trains for years I’ve developed a routine for my commute. I always have my iPod, Blackberry, and a sweatshirt (lately my super cute Hurley hoodie) since you’ll freeze to death without it. The trains have two temperatures: boiling hot in winter and sub arctic in summer. When I get on the train, I look for my favorite seats that have extra leg room and scope out the window for greasy face prints. Yes, you read that right, GREASY FACE PRINTS. I can’t bring myself to sit next to one of those and the Metra cleaning crew isn’t so fastidious about cleaning the windows every night. I saw the same greasy face print for a whole month last year. Seriously, get some Windex already.

Yes, that giant smudge is from someone's face and hair. See that in person and not want to puke.

Once I’ve sat down, I immediately put my Bose in ear headphones (they sound way better than the crappy ones that come with your iPod) in and start the iPod playlist entitled “No Iron Maiden” on shuffle. My husband likes Iron Maiden and since we share the same iPod library I have to block them out. Sometimes I say hello to people that say hi to me, but I’m usually mute and slightly angry looking. That’s the only way to get anyone to leave you alone. In the morning I take a nap for an hour and in the afternoon I read a book or magazine, or I catch up on Twitter. Some days are worry free. Other days I see some things that make you go “WTF.” Last week I saw a guy talking on his cell phone. Common occurrence right? His cell phone was encased in a zip lock bag and he didn’t take it off to talk on his phone. I really don’t want to know what was on that phone that he was afraid of. Did it fall in the toilet, a pile of manure?

Some of you have heard me complain on Twitter and Facebook about the annoying people on the train. The following people annoy the crap out of me on a routine basis. I’ve included the nicknames I’ve given them and photographic evidence of their sins (if I was brave enough to catch a pic). The list is in order of increasing annoyance level, from mildly irritating to “I want to kick their face in everyday” anger.

1. Fat Armband Guy: I actually have photographic evidence of this guy. His arms are so big he wears an iPod armband on his forearm since it won’t fit anywhere else. He also talks on his cell phone really loud about his trashy life. I’ve heard way too many conversations over my iPod about someone trying to beat him up. This is the only guy who actually lets you walk out ahead of him. Chivalry is alive and well in this larger and louder than life commuter.

2. Weird Eyebrow Lady: I’ve never been able to snap a picture of this chick due to her staring off into space in my general direction, so a description will have to do. I’ve never seen the arch of anyone’s eyebrows fall so far towards the sides of their face. Instead of the arch being towards the nose, it's almost to the outsides of her eyes. They look like evil cartoon eyebrows. I will admit to being mesmerized by them. She’s always in formal business wear so I do feel sorry for her while I get to look like a bum and wear t-shirts and jeans everyday.

3. Spread Eagle Man: As you can see from the picture below, he must air his junk out at all times. Plus he wears the same dirty, beat up White Sox World Series hat everyday. Wash that thing! He used to sit by me and instantly his thigh would be touching mine. After many elbows being stuck out by me into his ribs, he finally got the hint and won’t sit anywhere near me. He still sits spread eagle wherever he does park his ass, but at least it isn’t next to me anymore.That's actually a smaller angle of leg spread than usual if you can believe it.

4. King Douche bag: This guy is the ultimate douche of the commute. He moves your bag without asking if he wants to sit next to you. He will get up and block the aisle so you can’t get off the train before he does. He won’t pull his foot in since he insists on sitting cross legged with one of his feet in the aisle. I’ve pushed his foot away with my body so many times I’ve lost count. Nothing fazes this guy. Do you want to know what the ultimate assbag behavior out of this guy is? He picks at his head and eats it. I don’t know what he’s picking off of there, but I can’t even look in his general direction without wanting to vomit.

Most of the commuters on my train route are like me, just trying to get to and from work with as little frustration and annoyance as possible. The four little gems above are really in the minority of train riders thankfully. Hey, my work actually pays for my entire train ticket. I guess I shouldn’t bitch since I’m not out $150 each month. When you hear some girl yell into her phone “Who you yelling at Bitch?” 5 minutes into the trip home, I bet you’d bitch about everything too. And wish that you sat in another train car instead of your usual one. Coming up on this blog, “Widow’s top things that piss me off on the train” or “Get some train etiquette A-holes” tomorrow.