Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How To Irritate Your Fellow Commuters

You can gather from my previous post that riding Metra into Chicago every work day is a challenge. The older I get the less tolerant I’ve become, so it’s very easy to annoy the crap out of me. The following is a list of train sins that one can commit with real life examples I’ve observed in my six and a half years of commuting via train.

The first sin and most common one that people make is talking loudly. Whether you’re talking on your cell phone or to someone next to you doesn’t matter. I don’t care to hear how your daughter’s day care check bounced and now no one will watch her. There are two construction workers who ride my train home at night once every couple of weeks. They are obviously drunk and feel the need to yell when they talk to each other. Apparently they don’t care that there is only 6 inches separating their heads and they don’t need to yell. If I can hear you over my iPod, you should just STFU and heed those daggers I’m staring at you.

Next up, seat misuse. The common seat misuse instances are putting your feet on the seats, jammed knees into the back of the seat in front of you, and taking up a free seat with your bags. I’ve witnessed King Douche Bag move people’s items without asking. People will touch your stuff whether you want them to or not. On a disgusting note, I have seen people with their bare feet or even socked feet on seats. That totally grosses me out every time I see it. Why would you even want your bare feet to touch those seats let alone leave you foot funk behind?

Commuters can eat and drink on Metra trains. Not only does this create a garbage problem sometimes, but gives people ample opportunity to eat and drink strange things while they ride the train. I saw someone eat cereal with milk on the way in to Chicago last month. They actually lugged all the cereal fixings with them. Seriously, just eat at home. I’ve seen someone eat an entire pizza by themselves. Eating pizza on a crowded train is just rude. You know damn well the rest of us want to eat it too. There are quite a few people who will drink a six pack of beer, leave the empties in the aisle of the train, and proceed to hop in their cars at the train station and drive home. I really don’t think this is very responsible. The stench of beer in a confined space really makes you sick if you’re scent sensitive like I am. I really couldn’t stand the smell of beer when I was pregnant, so the ride home was really challenging some days.

This leads us to inappropriate odors. You don’t know how many train rides I’ve been stuck next to someone who has a bad case of gas the whole ride. The stench just gets recirculated until it finally goes away. People who wear too much perfume are also a problem. I’m allergic to most perfumes and colognes so I have spent many rides itching like crazy and praying my throat doesn’t close up. Twice in the past I’ve seen someone taking their fingernail polish off with remover (which is acetone) and applying new polish. Hello, chemical sensitive here! This behavior is really more appropriate for the home, right?

Where do most people groom themselves? At home you say? I can prove you wrong. Women put on makeup on the train; I don’t know how they don’t poke their eye out with the mascara wand when we hit a bump. I’ve seen people clipping their fingernails on the train. I cringe every time I hear the distinctive high pitched “clip clip” through my iPod. I wonder if these are the same people polishing their fingernails?

Touching other people is a big no no in my book. Eyebrow Lady routinely has a female friend that sits with her on the commute home. The female friend will sit sideways in her seat so she doesn’t have to turn her head when she talks. I’ve seen her ass on someone else’s thigh several times while the person she is sitting on tries to hold it together. If she sits next to me she’ll be taking a page from Spread Eagle Man and getting the elbow. Overweight people need to make sure they will fit in the seat before they sit there. I had some dude sit on me before and I didn’t even get an “Excuse me for putting my ass on your lap.” He got the elbow too. If I don’t know you, don’t touch me. Even if I know you, still don’t touch me. That goes for your bags too. Please don’t side swipe me with your huge ass purse that is holding your entire life. It’s not nice to wake up because someone whipped you with their belongings.

Hang in there, we’re almost to the end. What’s the next annoying thing someone can do? Please don’t look over my shoulder to read my computer, book, magazine, or newspaper. If you do, I’m going to ask you for some money since I had to pay for this myself. Nobody likes nosy pricks who can’t quit trying to see what you’re watching on your iPod either. Odds are I’m watching Twilight or True Blood so don’t make me be embarrassed on the train by staring at it.

The second most disgusting thing I’ve witnessed on the train arises from the no smoking policy of the train. Five times I’ve sat next to someone who chews tobacco and spits into a clear colorless bottle. One time the guy left the bottle there for someone else to pick up. You seriously can’t wait an hour at most before you can smoke again. Better buy some nicorette gum or some nicotine patches buddy.

The ultimate sin in my opinion is leaving part of yourself behind when your commute is over. If you have a tendency to be greasy even though you just showered, do not touch the window next to you. In my previous post you will see a greasy face print on the window of my morning train. I took this picture last week and the spot is still there. Now I’m stuck sitting in a seat with less leg room since I refuse to sit next to anyone’s skanky body leftovers. Wash already!

Why can’t I have an Edward Cullen drive me to work in a Volvo? Oh right, my Edward drives me to the train station in an Explorer and tells me to “Be safe, stay away from the crackheads!” Gotta love the husband and his worries. Got to go, King Douche Bag is trying to block my way off the train…again. FML!

Update: They finally cleaned the giant greasy face print, I got my seat back! This will hopefully last for a couple of days (or not).


  1. The makeup thing doesn't bother least they aren't doing it in their cars on the way to the Metra. That bothers me. But you know what? I never ever ever want to have to take public transportation to a job...ever. Thanks.

  2. Ugh...I hate loud talkers. Come on, you know you wanted to know how that chick's check bounced and now her daughter remains home alone without adult supervision.
    Eew. Touching is another huge no-no. No contact should EVER be made with a stranger. EVER.
    I'm with Fire Crotch on the makeup thing. That one doesn't bother me so long as the person keeps it to themself and doesn't wack me in the eye while applying mascara.

  3. This is great!! I can't believe it took me so long to find your blog! Sheesh, now that I'm here, you can count on a healthy amount of stalking ;)


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