How To Irritate Your Fellow Commuters

You can gather from my previous post that riding Metra into Chicago every work day is a challenge. The older I get the less tolerant I’ve become, so it’s very easy to annoy the crap out of me. The following is a list of train sins that one can commit with real life examples I’ve observed in my six and a half years of commuting via train.

The first sin and most common one that people make is talking loudly. Whether you’re talking on your cell phone or to someone next to you doesn’t matter. I don’t care to hear how your daughter’s day care check bounced and now no one will watch her. There are two construction workers who ride my train home at night once every couple of weeks. They are obviously drunk and feel the need to yell when they talk to each other. Apparently they don’t care that there is only 6 inches separating their heads and they don’t need to yell. If I can hear you over my iPod, you should just STFU and heed those daggers I’m staring at you.

Next up, seat misuse. The common seat misuse instances are putting your feet on the seats, jammed knees into the back of the seat in front of you, and taking up a free seat with your bags. I’ve witnessed King Douche Bag move people’s items without asking. People will touch your stuff whether you want them to or not. On a disgusting note, I have seen people with their bare feet or even socked feet on seats. That totally grosses me out every time I see it. Why would you even want your bare feet to touch those seats let alone leave you foot funk behind?

Commuters can eat and drink on Metra trains. Not only does this create a garbage problem sometimes, but gives people ample opportunity to eat and drink strange things while they ride the train. I saw someone eat cereal with milk on the way in to Chicago last month. They actually lugged all the cereal fixings with them. Seriously, just eat at home. I’ve seen someone eat an entire pizza by themselves. Eating pizza on a crowded train is just rude. You know damn well the rest of us want to eat it too. There are quite a few people who will drink a six pack of beer, leave the empties in the aisle of the train, and proceed to hop in their cars at the train station and drive home. I really don’t think this is very responsible. The stench of beer in a confined space really makes you sick if you’re scent sensitive like I am. I really couldn’t stand the smell of beer when I was pregnant, so the ride home was really challenging some days.

This leads us to inappropriate odors. You don’t know how many train rides I’ve been stuck next to someone who has a bad case of gas the whole ride. The stench just gets recirculated until it finally goes away. People who wear too much perfume are also a problem. I’m allergic to most perfumes and colognes so I have spent many rides itching like crazy and praying my throat doesn’t close up. Twice in the past I’ve seen someone taking their fingernail polish off with remover (which is acetone) and applying new polish. Hello, chemical sensitive here! This behavior is really more appropriate for the home, right?

Where do most people groom themselves? At home you say? I can prove you wrong. Women put on makeup on the train; I don’t know how they don’t poke their eye out with the mascara wand when we hit a bump. I’ve seen people clipping their fingernails on the train. I cringe every time I hear the distinctive high pitched “clip clip” through my iPod. I wonder if these are the same people polishing their fingernails?

Touching other people is a big no no in my book. Eyebrow Lady routinely has a female friend that sits with her on the commute home. The female friend will sit sideways in her seat so she doesn’t have to turn her head when she talks. I’ve seen her ass on someone else’s thigh several times while the person she is sitting on tries to hold it together. If she sits next to me she’ll be taking a page from Spread Eagle Man and getting the elbow. Overweight people need to make sure they will fit in the seat before they sit there. I had some dude sit on me before and I didn’t even get an “Excuse me for putting my ass on your lap.” He got the elbow too. If I don’t know you, don’t touch me. Even if I know you, still don’t touch me. That goes for your bags too. Please don’t side swipe me with your huge ass purse that is holding your entire life. It’s not nice to wake up because someone whipped you with their belongings.

Hang in there, we’re almost to the end. What’s the next annoying thing someone can do? Please don’t look over my shoulder to read my computer, book, magazine, or newspaper. If you do, I’m going to ask you for some money since I had to pay for this myself. Nobody likes nosy pricks who can’t quit trying to see what you’re watching on your iPod either. Odds are I’m watching Twilight or True Blood so don’t make me be embarrassed on the train by staring at it.

The second most disgusting thing I’ve witnessed on the train arises from the no smoking policy of the train. Five times I’ve sat next to someone who chews tobacco and spits into a clear colorless bottle. One time the guy left the bottle there for someone else to pick up. You seriously can’t wait an hour at most before you can smoke again. Better buy some nicorette gum or some nicotine patches buddy.

The ultimate sin in my opinion is leaving part of yourself behind when your commute is over. If you have a tendency to be greasy even though you just showered, do not touch the window next to you. In my previous post you will see a greasy face print on the window of my morning train. I took this picture last week and the spot is still there. Now I’m stuck sitting in a seat with less leg room since I refuse to sit next to anyone’s skanky body leftovers. Wash already!

Why can’t I have an Edward Cullen drive me to work in a Volvo? Oh right, my Edward drives me to the train station in an Explorer and tells me to “Be safe, stay away from the crackheads!” Gotta love the husband and his worries. Got to go, King Douche Bag is trying to block my way off the train…again. FML!

Update: They finally cleaned the giant greasy face print, I got my seat back! This will hopefully last for a couple of days (or not).

Fellow Commuters Annoy Me

I’ve been commuting to my work in downtown Chicago from the south suburbs for six and a half years. To get to the Loop I take Metra, a commuter train system. After riding the same trains for years I’ve developed a routine for my commute. I always have my iPod, Blackberry, and a sweatshirt (lately my super cute Hurley hoodie) since you’ll freeze to death without it. The trains have two temperatures: boiling hot in winter and sub arctic in summer. When I get on the train, I look for my favorite seats that have extra leg room and scope out the window for greasy face prints. Yes, you read that right, GREASY FACE PRINTS. I can’t bring myself to sit next to one of those and the Metra cleaning crew isn’t so fastidious about cleaning the windows every night. I saw the same greasy face print for a whole month last year. Seriously, get some Windex already.

Yes, that giant smudge is from someone's face and hair. See that in person and not want to puke.

Once I’ve sat down, I immediately put my Bose in ear headphones (they sound way better than the crappy ones that come with your iPod) in and start the iPod playlist entitled “No Iron Maiden” on shuffle. My husband likes Iron Maiden and since we share the same iPod library I have to block them out. Sometimes I say hello to people that say hi to me, but I’m usually mute and slightly angry looking. That’s the only way to get anyone to leave you alone. In the morning I take a nap for an hour and in the afternoon I read a book or magazine, or I catch up on Twitter. Some days are worry free. Other days I see some things that make you go “WTF.” Last week I saw a guy talking on his cell phone. Common occurrence right? His cell phone was encased in a zip lock bag and he didn’t take it off to talk on his phone. I really don’t want to know what was on that phone that he was afraid of. Did it fall in the toilet, a pile of manure?

Some of you have heard me complain on Twitter and Facebook about the annoying people on the train. The following people annoy the crap out of me on a routine basis. I’ve included the nicknames I’ve given them and photographic evidence of their sins (if I was brave enough to catch a pic). The list is in order of increasing annoyance level, from mildly irritating to “I want to kick their face in everyday” anger.

1. Fat Armband Guy: I actually have photographic evidence of this guy. His arms are so big he wears an iPod armband on his forearm since it won’t fit anywhere else. He also talks on his cell phone really loud about his trashy life. I’ve heard way too many conversations over my iPod about someone trying to beat him up. This is the only guy who actually lets you walk out ahead of him. Chivalry is alive and well in this larger and louder than life commuter.

2. Weird Eyebrow Lady: I’ve never been able to snap a picture of this chick due to her staring off into space in my general direction, so a description will have to do. I’ve never seen the arch of anyone’s eyebrows fall so far towards the sides of their face. Instead of the arch being towards the nose, it's almost to the outsides of her eyes. They look like evil cartoon eyebrows. I will admit to being mesmerized by them. She’s always in formal business wear so I do feel sorry for her while I get to look like a bum and wear t-shirts and jeans everyday.

3. Spread Eagle Man: As you can see from the picture below, he must air his junk out at all times. Plus he wears the same dirty, beat up White Sox World Series hat everyday. Wash that thing! He used to sit by me and instantly his thigh would be touching mine. After many elbows being stuck out by me into his ribs, he finally got the hint and won’t sit anywhere near me. He still sits spread eagle wherever he does park his ass, but at least it isn’t next to me anymore.That's actually a smaller angle of leg spread than usual if you can believe it.

4. King Douche bag: This guy is the ultimate douche of the commute. He moves your bag without asking if he wants to sit next to you. He will get up and block the aisle so you can’t get off the train before he does. He won’t pull his foot in since he insists on sitting cross legged with one of his feet in the aisle. I’ve pushed his foot away with my body so many times I’ve lost count. Nothing fazes this guy. Do you want to know what the ultimate assbag behavior out of this guy is? He picks at his head and eats it. I don’t know what he’s picking off of there, but I can’t even look in his general direction without wanting to vomit.

Most of the commuters on my train route are like me, just trying to get to and from work with as little frustration and annoyance as possible. The four little gems above are really in the minority of train riders thankfully. Hey, my work actually pays for my entire train ticket. I guess I shouldn’t bitch since I’m not out $150 each month. When you hear some girl yell into her phone “Who you yelling at Bitch?” 5 minutes into the trip home, I bet you’d bitch about everything too. And wish that you sat in another train car instead of your usual one. Coming up on this blog, “Widow’s top things that piss me off on the train” or “Get some train etiquette A-holes” tomorrow.

Damn You! Friday

Photo from here

Damn You! Friday through Monday time again. Post your rants and bitches in the comments section below.

Here's my rant: Damn you fellow commuters riding Metra into Chicago. If you don't smell like you dunked yourself in a 5 gallon bucket of perfume, you're hitting me with your gigantic heavy bag. Or sitting next to me spread eagle to air yourself out (men only). Or clipping your friggen' fingernails on the train. It has been a while since someone was chewing tobacco and spitting it into a clear bottle next to me. I probably just jinxed myself.

Feel better yet? I know I do. I still loathe most of the dumbshits that ride my train though.